the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
