So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
