If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
