Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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