Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
