he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
