Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Randomize
