well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
