i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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