my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
