I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
