he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
