you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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