1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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