What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
