This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize