He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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