Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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