Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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