Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize