Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
