conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
