What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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