She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
