my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
