Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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