She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm too high and old for this...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
