She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He felt like a one man threesome
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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