So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize