what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
