I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
