i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
