mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
