Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
and she was petting her beer can
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
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