If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
