sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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