So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
