i was born a porn star she said
My balls are so social today.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
