apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
