In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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