omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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