yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize