haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
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