It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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