mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Randomize
