Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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