Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
