Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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