Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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