apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
