One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
