this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
