I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
