drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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