i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
